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colostomy. Those
were tough words for all of us to hear, but we were determined to
find a way to give him the best possible chance of survival. At
that time, I remember praying to God that if he would spare my dad,
I would repay the debt someday down the road. As the years passed
by and my dad recovered and returned to a full life once again, I
never forgot that promise. He went on to live another 30 years.
He used to say to me that after that experience, whatever else life
had to offer him was just icing on the cake. In the end it was
Alzheimer’s that took his life, not his cancer.
So it is no coincidence that four years after having had my own
breast cancer experience, I should end up in such a wonderful,
healing environment as the Wellness Community. Little did I realize
when my job was downsized in April of this year that my “New
Beginning” would be here in an environment about which I have so
much passion. The biggest battle I had to face in my own recovery
from the disease was the emotional aspect. Doctors can treat our
disease, rehabilitate our bodies, give us new parts, educate us
about the best ways to cut our chances of recurrence, but nothing
prepares you for the emotional roller coaster that comes with the
diagnosis of Cancer and all the fear that goes with it. Once I had
finished my chemo and radiation in the fall of 1999, there was a
huge void to fill. I had been checked and X-rayed and examined for
nearly 9 months on a weekly basis . . . and all of a sudden, no one
was looking at me or my blood or my body for weeks at a time! I
had to dig deeper into my own strength than I had ever been
challenged to do before in my life. My spiritual journey began a
long time ago, but this was the ultimate challenge. Could I ever
feel safe again in my own body? Would the cancer return again in
another shape and form? How could I cope without burdening my
family with my fears? Thank God, I have a wonderful support system
of friends and family who have seen me on my best day and at my most
devastating moments. One of the greatest gifts I received early on
was a friend who came to be with me the day of my diagnosis and
promised that no matter how tough it got, she would be there with me
for the long haul. Those are the friends you need and value when
this big “C” happens in your life. The love and support of those
around me was so overwhelming that at times I was totally overcome
with gratitude!
I remember
reading one of my many books early on in my treatment that
challenged me to “look for the gifts in your diagnosis.” And my
response was, “Are you crazy? There are no gifts in this!” But I
was wrong again, for the gifts have been many. I don’t have enough
room to explain them all, but here are a few:
One of my big
fears in surgery was that as an asthmatic, my body would overreact
to the anesthesia. After all I had been through, I wasn’t about to
die from an asthma attack in surgery! But, there was a greater plan
in place and believe it or not, three times I went to surgery and
every time the same nurse was on duty. She said that she
never worked on Saturday, but the Saturdays I needed her, she was
there. I am convinced this was no accident.
Another
wonderful experience I recall was when I was scheduled to start my
radiation therapy. It didn’t feel wonderful going down the hall to
the area marked “Radiation/Oncology”, but I encountered this
wonderful woman named Mary, who I would soon learn received her
treatment just before me each day. This was her second time
around. She knew the ropes and immediately began to share with me
her experience and hope. She didn’t know what an angel in disguise
she was for me, and we still keep in touch. I really had nothing to
fear, because she was there to make the way for me. Hopefully, I
will be able to do the same for others someday.
Others who
have traveled this journey and experienced the world of cancer will
know immediately what I am speaking about. What I have learned and
continue to learn is that we are all in this together. We can all
heal together in whatever shape or form and we can learn how to
really live. Cancer gives you new vision to see things in ways you
never could before. You notice the sunsets, the birds, the changing
of the trees, the beautiful hair on the baby’s head in the grocery
store, the smell of everything around you, the sound of
music that permeates your soul and lifts your spirit in ways you
never knew before. You appreciate the uniqueness in all those
around you without any great desire to change them, because it just
doesn’t matter any more what they do. It only matters what I choose
to do. I get to choose on a daily basis, what I want my life to
look like today. What a great gift! I don’t do anything I don’t
really want to do. My focus is in draining as much love
and laughter out of each day that is possible. By doing so, I will
have no regrets that I didn’t use this time to the max. On
beautiful sunny days when the sun is not too hot, I get in my car
and drive to the beach, set up my umbrella, take out a book and just
enjoy the ocean. No big deal, but such a gift, just to have the
option to be able to choose. I spend time with my 4 grandchildren
and smell their hair, touch their beautiful little bodies and
realize that Life is So Good Today! My life is so rich because of
this experience. I have been given new eyes to see the world
because of my cancer. Yes, there were many gifts in
my cancer experience; it just took awhile for me to see the value in
what they brought to my life.
The Wellness
Community is my new home and a place to hang my hat, hopefully for a
long time to come. The transformation that takes place here on a
daily basis in people’s lives is such an amazing thing. We see
people with cancer and their families come in the door burdened with
worry and concern. By being part of a group, they can share their
innermost feelings, and in doing so, reclaim their sense of hope and
happiness. This is a place of healing and new life for all of us.
It is not how you die that counts, it is how you Live each
day.
- Carol Hiller |
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